Frogs I Have Kissed

What makes them think that if they get a meeting you’ll be charmed when they don’t meet your stated on-line qualifications? Five feet five is not tall, pear shaped is not athletic build, a GED is not a college degree, a wife in a nursing home doesn’t make you a widower, Showing up sporting a heart monitor, cane or walker doesn’t pass for being physically fit. Not to mention the posting of old pictures. That’s just my first go around with online dating. Look at me. I’m not that bad for an old girl, outgoing, fit, healthy with great sense of humor even if it’s a bit bizarre. I’m thinking I must have velcro attached to me. If you’re bipolar, OCD, dysfunctional , hoarder or just plain lying you stick to me. I have the midwest dysfunctional velcro concession. Admittedly I can be cranky and stubborn but at least I’m pleasant company. 

OK,Let me bring you up to date with a few frogs I’ve kissed. I’ll start with the hoarder. He picked me up in a very abused old Honda Civic full of papers on the passenger seat with the back seat crammed with toilet paper rolls. Perhaps there was a Costco run before. He bores me with stories of his car. “It’s the best, my beemer was totaled so this was taken out of storage. Gets great mileage and will never be stolen. Gotta get the heater and windows fixed.” Blah blah blah,It’s a rerun of the tv series MY Mother the Car. Anyone here old enough to remember that tv series? At dinner he cuts right to the chase. “We can spend the week in town and weekends at your house in the country.” Not happening. 

MOVING ON Talk about great expectations….. This one reads really good or is he repeating my likes? He’s an outdoor guy, hikes. Bikes. gardens enjoys music and theater. Outdoor guy picks me up at my house...big mistake. As he enters he mutters “I should have worn my better leather jacket, for her”. I must be on the preferred list. In the car he admires my gardens and lets me know he’s available to help with clean up. Good to know. Over dinner I hear he’s given up his 110 speed aluminum framed bike and now

concentrates on speed walking and hiking. Not missing a beat I suggest a hike, Let’s road test this puppy. I drive to him. It’s a sad little overgrown cottage with last fall's leaves and a dead tree in front. So much for his gardening skills. Outdoor Guy greets me dressed like he’s going for lunch at the golf club. All this after q’ing me to makes sure I had the proper boots and hill climbing experience. Have any of you seen hills in Buffalo Grove? Me neither, but there is an incline off the parking lot so off we go. He’s stopping far too often pointing out interesting grasses and weeds. Now he’s weaving and leaning into me like Im a one woman EMT. “Gotta to stop, calves are cramping. This has never happened before”. Admitting the only walking he’s done of late is around museums with dates. We’re walking, we’re talking, we’re looking. Sounds like an invite for a museum tour. On the way back, which couldn't happen fast enough. He tells me he drives the small Lexus “I’ve never been in a big one” as he strokes the leather. “At my dealership they have a Saturday brunch with great white fishes and bagels after they wash your car for free. Since we both drive lexuses we could have a cheap date next weekend”. No, cheap date is not on my schedule. When I stop feeling sorry for this hopeful liar I compose what I thought was a nice kiss off email. Explaining that after dabbling in online dating, I've come to the conclusion that I’m really looking for is groups of folks with interests common to mine. He calls, he’s angry he’s purchased tix to Ravinia “perhaps I can use them with my younger more athletic boyfriend”. I accepted and took myself, turning in the extra for a donation. What makes people lie so very badly? Later my son tells me a young friend is being harassed by some old guy on line and sends me the photo. It’s him saying he’s looking for a young guy friend who’s too shy to get on line. Think he’ll show up in biker shorts and a baseball cap for her. Perhaps low slung jeans hanging off his aging ass and some hot sneakers on his flat feet. And this is just the start of my encounters. 

There was the guy who told me he never wears a condom but is loyal to the woman he’s spending time with. Not me this guy gets a full body condom. With a double one for me incase his falls off. And for this I bought my own coffee.

Oh, speaking of coffee encounters. I’m early so I get my coffee and the man of the moment arrives while I’m on my phone. I did say I was there early. Says he…”I hate when people use cell phones, but you’re not due for 5 minutes.” We sit. He must face the door cause you never know who may be entering...danger stranger. It's a safety precaution. The guys a manufacturer’s rep not a gangster or so he told me. Guess what, his phone rings and he answers it, engaging in conversation about alcohol rehab. See... I told you I had velcro for weirdos. 

The next arrives late as I am leaving apologies but couldn’t get off the phone with his dead wife’s caregiver. Later it turns out she’s not dead but in a nursing home. he has to continue living. “Would you like to go to europe with me? I’ve got enough millage. We could go first class one way.” Nice to know, this guy is a real keeper. What happened to sticking with the person who brought you to the dance? 

Now I’m getting really depressed reliving all this. The guy who toked while skiing and biking, Really cute but far to young, He ended up going back to the girlfriend he’s been keeping. There was the coupon man who loved to drive for miles and miles wherever the road took him. Especially if there was a restaurant coupon envolved. Oh, I forgot about the nice San Diegoen who discussed his erectile dysfunction on the second date. TMI. 

This is getting boring and more depressing so the last I will share with you had a great big Maine Coon cat, a picture of a wife, he said was his ward but clearly his wife in assisted living. A kitchen full of dirty dishes and vegetables in the sink. So, what’s all this say I. “I’m developing a fish sauce and Whole Foods is interested”. “IF you’re that far along you need a clean rental test kitchen.” My guess is this makes him sound interesting only when questioned he admittes having no marketing or food store contacts, Poor excuse for living like a slob.

I’ve saved the best for last. My grandson is a lifeguard in a Northshore suburb. Over the Fourth of July holiday the family decided we’d ride our bikes down to the beach to observe him Saving Lives, as he likes to characterize his job. We find him in the relief room. Get this, an airconditioned structure on the beach. Only to be seen on the Northshore. My grandson has inherited my over the top personality introduces me to another old age appropriate man. Saying, “you two oldies but goodies should get to know each other”. He’s a 77 year old lifeguard in good shape, full head of hair sporting a very large gold wedding band. We banter back and forth a bit about how good we look and I share with him one of my favorite lines on how I’m preparing for an open coffin funeral. Well, guess what he asked for my phone number. I tell him not a good idea he’s married and besides what am I going to do with an old suburban lifeguard. Im a city gal. Old lifeguard yes im married but we’re allowed to see others. He’s got a hall pass at 77. Or in my error it was called an open marriage. And the dysfunctional velcro concession beat goes on!